Turkey bits for all

Dear television,

The Christmas jingles are really annoying. Can we get past Thanksgiving before we start tis-ing the season and lusting after that iPod Touch?

Oh, and the Redskins still suck.

Love,
Me.


So it's that time of the year to start packing up the cat and loading the car with empty Tupperware to collect free food, discount clothes, and hopefully some cash form sympathetic relatives. Now it's only a matter of time before I come into contact with a wall of red brake lights, for miles on end. And let's not get started on the gas prices - seriously, it's like they deliberately jacked up the prices just to cash in on the holiday rush.

As a daily commuter, I have spent many hours deliberating my route home from Washington DC to Philadelphia. For those of you who are not familiar with the Washington-Boston death trail, here are some tips and alternatives to take into consideration.

If you are driving, avoid I95 at all possible costs. If the tolls don't kill you first, it surely will be the constant construction sites (Delaware is in a constant state of jackhammer), and the numerous accidents that always happen on the NJ Turnpike turn-off. Instead of risking that beltway traffic, take the Baltimore-Washington Parkway northbound into Baltimore until you hit Baltimore's version of the beltway, 695. From there, jump on Route 1 and continue straight up. It's a bit out of the way, and you might hit a deer, but trust me the traffic lights are not a big delay when compared to the backup on the Interstate. Plus, you'll save 15% or more by not paying ridiculous toll fees.

If you do not own a car, and are looking for a fast way home, I grudgingly recommend taking Amtrak. I type this with a mental groan, because Amtrak is far from cheap. You're looking at a good $50 and up for a one way ticket. The train is pretty comfortable, but expect some delays, especially if you are traveling Southbound (for some reason, the damn train is ALWAYS delayed coming from Boston. ALWAYS.) The Acela is a nice alternative, if you can afford the $300 ticket. For Bostontonians traveling home from DC, I recommend flying. It's faster, and about the same price for a train ticket.

If you are broke as hell, and can't afford the train, never fear, for there are buses you can take. DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT SUBJECT YOURSELF TO TAKING GREYHOUND! Not only does it smell like piss, you're forced to listen to screaming children, and that person sitting next to you might be a criminal on the run. Instead of self-torment for 40 bucks, why not try the Vamoose bus, which costs about the same, takes the same amount of time, and is ten times more comfortable. Another alternative is the Chinabus, but I can't vouch for that, since I've never taken one myself.

For those of you who despise any kind of public transportation, and are still too broke or license-less to own a car, I have another solution. There is this thing on Craigslist called Ride share, where you can find people traveling to the same destination who are willing to offer a ride for the small price of splitting gas, and providing good company. I've tried this service only once, in Berlin. It was pretty nice in terms of price, since I only had to chip in for gas, but on the way back my ride's car broke down, and we had to push the damn thing to the nearest gas station. I should have gotten a refund, but I'm getting slightly off topic. Ride shares are a great way to travel if you are low on cash and looking for an environment-friendly alternative. Plus, it's a great opportunity to meet new people (or an opportunity to meet some serious weirdos. Bring pepper spray, ladies). For the most part, Ride Share is safe, but if you are a bit nervous about being in a car with a complete stranger, bring a friend along. Safety in numbers, you know.

If none of my above suggestions help you out (or you live in a remote part of the country, where your only options of transportation are SUV and foot), then try calling up some long-lost relatives or friends who may let you hitchhike on their roof. Otherwise, maybe you should think about hosting dinner at your house next time. Then you can experience the joys of mile-long supermarket lines, and the tedious circling around parking lots, and getting pissed at the assholes who can't park in a straight line.

Enjoy your turkey (or whatever you people eat for thanksgiving). Travel safely, and if I happen to run into you on the road, I apologize in advance for cutting you off and throwing trash at your windshield.